Writing Sample

WALT:  Entertain

My writing goal this term was to use precise and technical language

SUCCESS CRITERIA 

Language features

I have used a range of precise vocabulary to communicate meaning.

TASK: craft a free-choice piece of writing that shows how I am developing my goal. This is a photo of the piece of my first draft that I will edit and perfect later on. 

The wind howled pitifully outside. That's funny!" I had thought to myself "There wasn't even a slight breeze when I was out there a second ago. Something felt very strange. I had felt empty inside. I then reached for my rucksack and pulled out a huge bun. I was just about to take a bite when something strange had whipped past me and snatched my bun straight out of my hand. Then I looked up and saw a beautiful girl standing there munching a bun that looked exactly the same as mine. She had looked up at me, she had had pretty golden locks that tumbled down her perfectly positioned shoulders, she had  also been wearing a simple white dress that seemed to glow with her beauty. The only thing wrong that had seemed wrong  with her looks were her eyes. They were red and bloodshot and had a evil look about them. It had been strange seeing such a beautiful girl in that horrible place at that moment. I did not know what to do, so I just stood there motionless. But I could not move because of her beauty. She started walking slowly up to me in a girly sort of way. She did not seem so girly. She suddenly let out a terrible scream. Then she stopped dead in her tracks. She fell to the ground. I was ready to run for my life but some how could not bring myself to. I walked cautiously over to her I stared down at her anxiously. She did not look alright to just leave there. So I gently lifted her and then gently flung her over my shoulder. She was not as heavy as I had thought. I walked around the deadly place curiously. I finally found an abandoned home that looked safe enough. I put her down. But then she suddenly sprang up. I let out a scream she had eaten half of my shoulder.  Blood oozed down my back and peppered the road with dark red spots. I did not give any notice of what she was doing I ran for my life. Finally when I thought had lost the town came to a halt. I was in a giant clearing with a river running through middle of it. The sound of the river was the noise the place seemed peaceful not like the town. I sat down on the soft, damp grass and checked my shoulder, or what was left of it. I could not see a thing really the mist that covered the whole clearing. I saw a glint of light or was it gold. I sprang up from the damp wet grass. I ran over to see what it was. Bear, I saw a big hairy bear. It had a big gold chain on it’s neck. I followed the chain with my eyes until my eyes sat upon a turtle. The turtle had a large shell with green criss-cross patterns spread over it. I could not believe my eyes. Why was a turtle guarding such an old grizzly bear? My eyes turned back and I noticed a big hill. It had a big gloomy cave that sheltered a knotted oak tree. I was wondering if the cave was that bears. But why was he not in it? Of course he was sleeping. 

Suddenly the lights all around me shot out into the dark with a big CLICK! It was dark now. I could not see one thing. I could not run and get shelter from anywhere because I couldn't even see my own hand in front of my face . Then my brain popped with a idea. A big light sprang up above my head. When I had stopped thinking the light would go out. I could not stop thinking. If I had I would not have been able to see. I ran for my life to the big cave. There seemed to be a big screeching from up high in the tree. It sounded identical to the one from that girl who bit my arm. Suddenly the light went out. "Oh no!" I had thought to myself.

 I was nearly there. Then I jumped with fright. Something had popped out of the tree and landed right next to me. It was the girl. She had screeched out a terrible scream and tossed her hair back. She started to scooch next to me. I had noticed it was the same shoulder she was trying to bite. I imagined my shoulder only being a bone and no skin. Then I had had an idea. The light flicked on above my head. I screamed out something random. Then the turtle had woken up and tugged on the gold chain. The bear woke up with a roar and began to pull on the rope. The girl was still scooching towards me. The turtle jumped onto the bear and they had started running for me. I then realised this was the chance for me to escape. But where could I have goon. The old castle? I dodged the bear but he went right through the space between me and the girl. I was hoping for the girl to get tripped and taken. But instead she had the same idea as me. We both ran to the castle like maniacs. What was wrong with me. I had run through the golden rusty gates. The castle was made out of stone. Then I spotted a rusty old sign lying on the ground before my feet. It read..... TORTURE OF DEATH. The words seemed to be written in blood. I had not wanted to be embarrassed beside the girl. So I walked in anxiously. My heart beating faster than a cheetah can run. A tickle had run up my spine. There seemed to be some ghostly air surrounding my body. It was cold and dark in there. There was nothing to be seen except for an old ripped up blanket. I spoke in a low nervous voice. There was a slurping sound behind me. I turned around and jumped in surprise. My shoes tapped on the ground. Then suddenly a man looked up from the girl and had stared at me in wonder. He looked exactly the same to the girl except for he was a man. The girl belonged to this place. The man was her father. Then a women had tapped me on the shoulder. I turned round to smell a horrible thing coming out of her mouth. Snake, I yelled in confusion. The lady stared at me curious to know what I was. The lady started speaking in a voice so high. The parts I heard were. What has roots that nobody sees and is taller than trees. That was strange it sounded all like a well written riddle. Then the women walked away with nothing else to say.

Chapter 2 

I Arrive at the Tree of Riddles Rosalind has edited some of this piece.

The Oak Tree! I suddenly realised. Was that where the next riddle was? Sprinting to the clearing I was overwhelmed by how light it now was. Instead of a monstrous king towering over its subjects,  shattered splinters of the dead man littered the stoney ground. A hint of whiteness poked out from under a wiggly piece of trunk. Gently, I pluck the tattered, muddy piece of paper from its prison.  It had a riddle on it! It seemed to be like the one the lady had told me. 

“What has roots that nobody sees and is taller than trees. Up and up it goes but yet it never grows.” 

That was it. All I had to do was find out the riddle. Jumping around I bumped into something that was bumpy and squishy. Oh no. Here comes trouble. Opening my eyes I see the most horrible looking troll. Bumpy warts covered it's fat chunky body. Evil looking eyes fell upon me that looked like slits. Yet it was holding out it's hand for me to get up. Could I say no. No that was not right. People knew what trolls were like. Crying as soon as they did not get what they wanted. Taking the trolls hand I felt something trickle down my wrist. Troll snot! The troll heaved me up. Dripping from his nose appeared to be snot. The snot seemed to be erupting from his nose. I grabbed my tissue from my rucksack and gave it to him. He put it inside his pouch. Finally I had someone big to secure me. The only problem was that he was not fast at all. It took 2 hours to walk one meter to his old underground chamber. Wait a minute I thought that the underground chamber was the bear's. It is the troll's. I longed to go in there and now this is my chance. I had to. There was a lot of nonsense around the place. But there was a big fire burning which was pleasant and cozy. Noticing something unusual about the cave, I stared at it curiously. It was made out of chocolate. That was why it was dissolving. Chocolatey goodness slithered down the edible walls. I was about to alert the troll. But he had something else on his mind. Behind us a dark shape was creeping towards the cave. As it advanced it turned into a large shadow.It was a creature that I had only known from storybooks. It was a pink, fluffy, unicorn. But it was evil. I did not know that though. I wanted to run up to it and stroke it's glossy back. But something held me back. The last time I did something like that I lost a lot of blood for it. I decided to turn around and slowly walk away, because I couldn’t do anything without putting myself in a position where I could be hurt. As I walked I cry of agony rang through the clearing. I turned around to find that the unicorn had bitten the kind troll. I could not believe it. My mouth was wide open with surprise. I had thought that unicorns were kind and loveable creatures. I sprinted to the trolls ad. Pulling out the snotty handkerchief from his pocket and wrapping it around the bloody wound. The unicorn licked it’s wet lips and clearly decided it wanted more. My eyes roved the clearing, searching for something to fend the creature off. Spotting the oak tree I dragged the troll towards it hoping, it would protect us for a while. Then I hit something hard and fell backwards. I heard a deep voice booming in the trees above. " To enter here you have to find, the answer to a riddle." Here's your riddle answer clear what you think you know. What has roots that nobody sees, is taller than trees, up, up it goes, and yet it never grows?" The voice said. 

Oh no! I was horrible at riddles. My face fell. This was the end of the road. I could not do riddles that was it. But I would try anyway. The gravel beneath my feet crunched and crackled as I tapped my shoes, thinking. There was no gravel in the clearing though. Just pure, green, grass. I stared down. Below me was a thousand meter drop at the least. It was a mountain. I had been teleported on top, of a mountain. I hated this place. I still do. An annoying voice squawked above " Oh for goodness sake. This is an easy one. On top of the answer to." It was an owl. I pondered over his words. 'On top of the answer to'. Realisation dawned over me. "The answer is a mountain." I said, my voice clear and confident. "Correct the voice boomed! Then I punched my arm in the air feeling so pleased with myself. I knew I could not have done better. I looked around for the unicorn. It was nowhere in sight. I released I was inside the tree. "It took you long enough!" The owl from the mountain said. I looked up in surprise. I hadn't realised he was there. Was he even a boy! "Yes for your information I am a boy and if you have not noticed I am also an owl or an Tyto alba, a barn owl. But..." He said taking a deep breath "You wouldn't understand that for you are just a puny child!" "Excuse em wa!"" I replied. " As a matter of fact I am the top of my class. Thank you very much!" A load of old tosh and that is the end of it." The grumpy and rude owl squawked. "My name is George pleased to meet you." He said every word in a rush, as though the world would end any minute. "Okay..." I said "My name is Christopher." " Another riddle!" It was the voice from the mountain again. " Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters!" I had no idea! The wind whipped my hair pulling me forwards across some sort of soft substance. I looked down to see what it was. My feet weren't touching any thing. I was hovering above the ground. The wind was pulling me up. It was as strong as an elephant. It mercilessly sunk its invisible teeth into my soft skin, leaving nothing but a bright pink spot on my cheek. Toothless bites… What could that mean I thought to myself what could this mean. I have to get this I told myself. Nervously I blurted out an incredibly wrong answer. “Wind”. No what had I done. I was eagerly waiting for the owl to excitedly say. “INCORRECT”. But it did not come. Suddenly a blanket of happiness fell upon me. The wind washing it off. Clearly made my face into a half circle. The owl muttering away. Shouted. “ CORRECT”. I could not believe it. My mind racing with other thoughts. Would there be another riddle to answer.

This is my edited piece, I have gone through and put past tense in.

The wind howled pitifully outside. That's funny!" I had thought to myself "There wasn't even a slight breeze when I was out there a second ago. Something felt very strange. I had felt empty inside. I then reached for my rucksack and pulled out a huge bun. I was just about to take a bite when something strange had whipped past me and snatched my bun straight out of my hand. Then I looked up and had seen a beautiful girl standing there munching a bun that looked exactly the same as mine. She had looked up at me, she had had pretty golden locks that tumbled down her perfectly positioned shoulders, she had  also been wearing a simple white dress that seemed to glow with her beauty. The only thing wrong that had seemed wrong with her looks were her eyes. They were red and bloodshot and had a evil look about them. It had been strange seeing such a beautiful girl in that horrible place at that moment. I did not know what to do, so I just stood there motionless. But I could not move because of her beauty. She started walking slowly up to me in a girly sort of way. She did not seem so girly. She had suddenly let out a terrible scream. Then she had stopped dead in her tracks. She fell to the ground. I had been ready to run for my life but some how could not bring myself to. I had walked cautiously over to her I stared down at her anxiously. She did not look alright to just leave there. So I had gently lifted her and then gently flung her over my shoulder. She was not as heavy as I had thought. I walked around the deadly place curiously. I finally found an abandoned home that looked safe enough. I put her down. But then she had suddenly sprang up. I then had let out a scream. She had eaten half of my shoulder.  Blood oozed down my back and peppered the road with dark red spots. I had not given any notice of what she was doing I ran for my life. Finally when I thought had lost the town came to a halt. I was in a giant clearing with a river running through middle of it. The sound of the river was the noise the place seemed peaceful not like the town. I had sat down on the soft, damp grass and checked my shoulder, or what was left of it. I could not see a thing really the mist that covered the whole clearing. I saw a glint of light or was it gold. I sprang up from the damp wet grass. I ran over to see what it was. Bear, I saw a big hairy bear. It had a big gold chain on it’s neck. I followed the chain with my eyes until my eyes sat upon a turtle. The turtle had a large shell with green criss-cross patterns spread over it. I could not believe my eyes. Why was a turtle guarding such an old grizzly bear? My eyes had turned back and I noticed a big hill. It had had a big gloomy cave that sheltered a knotted oak tree. I was wondering if the cave was that bear's. But why was he not in it? Of course he was sleeping. 

Suddenly the 

lights all around me had shot out into the dark with a big CLICK! It had been dark then. I could not have seen one thing. I could not have ran and get shelter from anywhere because I couldn't even see my own hand in front of my face . Then my brain had popped with a idea. A big light sprang up above my head. When I had stopped thinking the light would go out. I could not have stopped thinking. If I had I would not have been able to see. I ran for my life to the big cave. There seemed to be a big screeching from up high in the tree. It sounded identical to the one from that girl who bit my arm. Suddenly the light went out. "Oh no!" I had thought to myself.

 I was nearly there. Then I had jumped with fright. Something had popped out of the tree and landed right next to me. It was the girl. She had screeched out a terrible scream and tossed her hair back. She started to scooch next to me. I had noticed it was the same shoulder she was trying to bite. I had imagined my shoulder only being a bone and no skin. Then I had had an idea. The light had flicked on above my head. I then had screamed out something random. Then the turtle had woken up and tugged on the gold chain. The bear woke up with a roar and began to pull on the rope. The girl had been still scooching towards me. The turtle had jumped onto the bear and they had started running for me. I then had realised this was the chance for me to escape. But where could I have gone. The old castle? I dodged the bear but he went right through the space between me and the girl. I had been hoping for the girl to get tripped and taken. But instead she had the same idea as me. We both ran to the castle like maniacs. What was wrong with me. I had run through the golden rusty gates. The castle was made out of stone. Then I had spotted a rusty old sign lying on the ground before my feet. It read..... TORTURE OF DEATH. The words had seemed to be written in blood. I had not wanted to be embarrassed beside the girl. So I walked in anxiously. My heart had been beating faster than a cheetah can run. A tickle had run up my spine. There seemed to be some ghostly air surrounding my body. It wascold and dark in there. There had been nothing to be seen except for an old ripped up blanket. I  had spoken in a low nervous voice. There had been a slurping sound behind me. I had turned around and jumped in surprise. My shoes had tapped on the ground. Then suddenly a man looked up from the girl and had stared at me in wonder. He looked exactly the same to the girl except for he was a man. The girl belonged to this place. The man was her father. Then a women had tapped me on the shoulder. I had turned round to smell a horrible thing coming out of her mouth. Snake, I had yelled in confusion. The lady had stared at me curious to know what I was. The lady had started speaking in a voice so high. The parts I heard were. What has roots that nobody sees and is taller than trees. "That was strange it sounded all like a well written riddle." I thought. Then the women had walked away with nothing else to say.

Chapter 2 

I Arrive at the Tree of Riddles

The Oak Tree I had thought to myself. Was that where all the riddles were? I ran out of the castle and noticed that the oak tree had been shattered to pieces of wood. I found a piece of tattered muddy paper lying on the ground. It had a riddle on it. It seemed to be like the one the lady had told me. Well it started like what I heard. What has roots that nobody sees and is taller than trees. Up and Up it goes but it never grows. That was it. All I had had to do was find out the riddle. I was so excited that I had bumped into something that was bumpy and squishy. Oh no. Here trouble comes. I opened my eyes to see the most horrible looking troll. It had lots of bumpy warts. It had evil looking eyes that looked like slits. But yet it was holding out it's hand for me to get up. I could not say no. I knew what trolls were like. They would burst out crying as soon as they did not get what they wanted. I took the trolls hand. The troll heaved me up. It was amazing to feel how strong he was. Dripping from his nose appeared to be snot. I grabbed my tissue from my rucksack and gave it to him. It was wrong, I had thought to myself, to give him the tissue. He had put it inside his pocket. Finally I had had someone big to protect me. The only problem was that he was not fast at all. It had taken two hours to walk one meter to his old cave. "Wait a minute!" I had thought."That is the cave I thought was the bear's, but it is not. It is the troll's." I had longed to go in there and now this is my chance. I had to. There was a lot of rubbish. But there was a big fire burning which was nice and warm. I noticed something strange about the cave. It was made out of chocolate. That why it was melting. Chocolatey goodness slithered down the edible walls. I was about to warn the troll. But he had something else on his mind. Behind us a dark shape was creeping towards the cave. As it advanced it turned into a large shadow. It was a creature that I had only known from storybooks. It had been a pink, fluffy, unicorn. But it was evil. I did not know that though. I had wanted to run up to it and stroke it's glossy back. But something had held me back. The last time I had done something like that I lost a lot of blood for it. I had decided to turn around and slowly walk away, because I couldn’t do anything without Oh no! I had been horrible at riddles. My face had fell. "This was the end of the road". I had thought to myself. I could not do riddles. That was it. But I would try anyway. The gravel beneath my feet had crunched and crackled as I tapped my shoes, thinking. There had been no gravel in the clearing though. Just pure, green, grass. I had stared down. Below me was a thousand meter drop at the least. It was a mountain. I had been teleported on top, of a mountain. I had hated this place. I still do. An annoying voice had squawked above " Oh for goodness sake. This is an easy one. On top of the answer to." It had been an owl. I pondered over his words. 'On top of the answer to'. Realisation had dawned over me. "The answer is a mountain." I had said, my voice clear and confident. "Correct!' The voice had boomed! Then I had punched my arm in the air feeling so pleased with myself. I had known I could not have done better. I had looked around for the unicorn. It was nowhere in sight. I had released I was inside the tree. "It took you long enough!" The owl from the mountain had said. I had looked up in surprise. I hadn't realised he was there. Was he even a boy! "Yes for your information I am a boy and if you have not noticed I am also an owl or an Tyto alba, a barn owl. But..." He said taking a deep breath "You wouldn't understand that for you are just a puny child!" "Excuse em wa!"" I had replied. " As a matter of fact I am the top of my class. Thank you very much!" A load of old tosh and that is the end of it." The grumpy and rude owl squawked. "My name is George pleased to meet you." He had said every word in a rush, as though the world would end any minute. "Okay..." I had said "My name is Christopher." " Another riddle!" It had beenthe voice from the mountain again. " Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters!" I had had no idea! The wind had whipped my hair pulling me forwards across some sort of soft substance. I had looked down to see what it was. My feet weren't touching any thing. I was hovering above the ground. The wind was pulling me up. myself in a position where I could be hurt. As I walked I cry of agony rang through the clearing. I turned around to find that the unicorn had bitten the kind troll. I could not believe it. My mouth was wide open with surprise. I had thought that unicorns were kind and loveable creatures. I sprinted to the trolls ad. Pulling out the snotty handkerchief from his pocket and wrapping it around the bloody wound. The unicorn licked it’s wet lips and clearly decided it wanted more. My eyes roved the clearing, searching for something to fend the creature off. Spotting the oak tree I dragged the troll towards it hoping, it would protect us for a while. Then I hit something hard and fell backwards. I heard a deep voice booming in the trees above. " To enter here you have to find, the answer to a riddle." Here's your riddle answer clear what you think you know. What has roots that nobody sees, is taller than trees, up, up it goes, and yet it never grows?" The voice said. 

Oh no! I was horrible at riddles. My face fell. This was the end of the road. I could not do riddles that was it. But I would try anyway. The gravel beneath my feet crunched and crackled as I tapped my shoes, thinking. There was no gravel in the clearing though. Just pure, green, grass. I stared down. Below me was a thousand meter drop at the least. It was a mountain. I had been teleported on top, of a mountain. I hated this place. I still do. An annoying voice squawked above " Oh for goodness sake. This is an easy one. On top of the answer to." It was an owl. I pondered over his words. 'On top of the answer to'. Realisation had dawned over me. "The answer is a mountain." I said, my voice clear and confident. "Correct the voice boomed! Then I punched my arm in the air feeling so pleased with myself. I knew I could not have done better. I looked around for the unicorn. It was nowhere in sight. I released I was inside the tree. "It took you long enough!" The owl from the mountain said. I looked up in surprise. I hadn't realised he was there. Was he even a boy! "Yes for your information I am a boy and if you have not noticed I am also an owl or an Tyto alba, a barn owl. But..." He said taking a deep breath "You wouldn't understand that for you are just a puny child!" "Excuse em wa!"" I replied. " As a matter of fact I am the top of my class. Thank you very much!" A load of old tosh and that is the end of it." The grumpy and rude owl squawked. "My name is George pleased to meet you." He said every word in a rush, as though the world ewq`uwould end any minute. "Okay..." I said "My name is Christopher." " Another riddle!" It was the voice from the mountain again. " Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters!" I had no idea! The wind whipped my hair pulling me forwards across some sort of soft substance. I looked down to see what it was. My feet weren't touching any thing. I was hovering above the ground. The wind was pulling me up. It was as strong as an elephant. It mercilessly sunk its invisible teeth into my soft skin, leaving nothing but a bright pink spot on my cheek. Toothless bites… What could that mean I thought to myself what could this mean. I have to get this I told myself. Nervously I blurted out an incredibly wrong answer. “Wind”. No what had I done. I was eagerly waiting for the owl to excitedly say. “INCORRECT”. But it did not come. Suddenly a blanket of happiness fell upon me. The wind washing it off. Clearly made my face into a half circle. The owl muttering away. Shouted. “ CORRECT”. I could not believe it. My mind had been racing with other thoughts. Would there be another riddle to answer?

This is my published version that I had tried to perfect.  I have decided to focus on the bit.   

                          

Evaluation

How has your writing has improved this term?

I have been using past tense instead of present tense I have worked quite hard at doing that. Now I can do it easily. I have also improved on my precise and technicial language because my sentences used to be weak and now they are strong and confident.

The part of my story I am most proud of is my first paragraph because it pulls the reader in and makes them want to know more. I think this is one of the most important things when it comes to being a good writer.

Next time, what is a goal you can work towards?

Putting in more precise and technicial language because that is my goal and I don't think I put enough in. If I put more in my writing would become even MORE stronger and it would act like a magnet to readers.

Feedback/Feedforward: 

Wow Ana! Your published piece of writing is AMAZING... I really like the way you used silimes and metaphors. You have used Great precise and techinacal langue. I really like the sentence: " I landed with a ear shattering thump because it is a very powerful sentence and you make it sound like a sentence that a real author would write. Next time you could work on your paragraphs because in one sentence in the other paragraph it was Kind of the same idea, in a different paragraph. But over all your writing is Super duper. From Hannah:).